Being Poly

Thoughts on non-monogamy and stories from my own polyamorous life.

Stay at Home Orders: Day … Who Knows?

Apr 15, 2020 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade | 1

It’s been awhile since I’ve sat here thinking about writing. I’ve thought about writing a lot – I just haven’t actually sat myself down here to do it. I haven’t opened my laptop in weeks, to be honest. Guilt, anxiety, depression, illness? Who knows why not. There are a lot of reasons. I’ve thought about writing about what living in this new reality is like – but so often I am overwhelmed by sadness and grief and a kind of stunned disbelief that I simply subside into tears or numb myself with alcohol or stupid TV or a book. Anything to stop thinking about it. To stop asking, over and over, “When will it be over? How will it end? What will life be like when it’s not like this anymore?”  I spent a good couple weeks deeply depressed. Crying daily, having to resort to anxiety meds throughout the dayRead more …

Jade in the Time of Covid-19

Mar 17, 2020 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade | 3

Hey ho! Jade’s still here. Trying to keep all my pieces together, which seems a lot easier some times than others, but I’m hanging in there. It’s a strange new world, for sure. The pandemic is a thing. It’s affected a lot of the people in my circle. Some of us only in ways that inconvenience us, for others it is causing a great deal of financial uncertainty and anxieties. There’s a lot of fear about how this is all going to turn out. In my small corner, the daughter concluded her trip to Europe safely and got back into the states with a minimum of fuss. She’s on a 14-day self-quarantine, though, before she can be back in society and before they will let her back to work. (I’ve just heard that she’ll be working from home when she does, though. Thank goodness that she can do so.) TheRead more …

Good Vibes

Dec 21, 2019 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade | 8

I am in hour number 24 of a migraine. I feel as though my skull is splitting. My teeth ache, my ear aches, my cheekbone and the bones around my eye and my jawbone are in an exquisite agony. Light and movement cause waves of pain that throb and then stab my head. So what am I doing, sitting here writing? I’ve taken four rounds of painkiller. In between I have taken tylonol, tylonol PM, and/or simply tried to wait out the pain, because the migraine medicine makes my stomach hurt so much. But when I do take it, I lay here awake because of the caffeine, and because of it, in spite of being unable to get up and move about, I am antsy and bored, my brain running a hundred miles a minute. It’s an awful cycle. Reading requires too much focus (and my eyes), listening to aRead more …

An Update

Dec 18, 2019 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade | 8

I keep thinking I should post something; update here; bring this space up-to-date. Then I face the blank screen, and all the words of all the things, and I lose the energy or initiative. I just want to make myself a drink and sink into a book under my covers. But I won’t. I will write words. I’m back from Cuba. Beautiful country, enjoyable and challenging trip all at once, friendships forged. It was a thing that challenged me but I DID IT. So there. Came back to North America (Toronto specifically) and spent two days and nights with M, my friend from the Chicago party and the organizer of the Cuba excursion. It was wonderful. We talked, we dined, we played. We like each other a lot. Things are progressing towards some kind of D/s-y LDR, though we are taking it slow as I work through my break-up withRead more …

An Update and Setting an Intention

Dec 6, 2019 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade, Relationship Stuff | 2

I’ve started this post about half a dozen times. I’ve written and rewritten, I’ve been calm and matter-of-fact, I’ve been sad and lost, I’ve been angry and bitter, I’ve tried to convince the world (or at least that part of it that reads here) that I am justified in my reasons and I’ve simply spewed it all out, justifications be damned. And now, here I am, deciding, fuck it. I don’t want to rehash it all. It is what it is. I just want to move on. At least that’s what I feel right this moment. The next I may want to rehash it over and over until I’m sick of listening to myself. Who knows. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions, but I guess that’s to be expected. I broke up with V the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. For good this time. I think. I hope. There are allRead more …

That was yesterday…

Jul 4, 2019 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade, Relationship Stuff | 2

Ugh…today is one of those days. Having a hard time mustering the energy or desire to pop out of bed. To face the world, to be productive. To human. I was on the Grand Canyon Trek training bus last week, putting in 5 miles a day at least either walking or hiking, then decided to give myself a day off on Monday, that turned into a night in bed with relationship drama last night, and today… Here I am. Kinda want to be anywhere but here. Well, maybe I want to be HERE – here is my bed. Sleep, sleep like the little gnomy guy, the one in the fairy tale. That really was yesterday morning. This morning I am sitting at the bar at one of my favorite breakfast places – not having a drink. Eating granola with banana and yogurt and nuts, drinking a decaf latte, feeling theRead more …

One day at a time.

Jul 2, 2019 | Posted by in Being Poly, Relationship Stuff | 7

No this isn’t about drinking, but love can be like an addiction, and just as hard to keep away from, even when you know it’s bad for you. “Just get through these 8 hours without picking up the phone.” Sleep, read, try to write (or maybe, do write, and write well, since it’s Smut Marathon deadline time.) Distract oneself. Stay away from the phone. One hour, one day, at a time. The reality is – and one reason it is ending – is because, really, there are only two days – make that two evenings – per week to make it through, when I’d normally be with him. Because, bottom line, even after all this time – 4 years! – we are still only permitted two 12 hour blocks of time per week together. And that just isn’t enough to build a full relationship on, and I am tired ofRead more …

Day 27 – A Musical Night

When it;s good, it’s very, very good. V came over last night. We went to listen to music at the Garden and have a little picnic; it was a pleasant evening, if a bit cold and wet, since it had stormed earlier. But at least the free concert wasn’t canceled – they have already canceled 3 out of the 4 weekly concerts due to rain so far this summer. One of the reasons V switched our date nights to be alternating Tuesday/Wednesdays was so that we could go to them – it’s a favorite summertime activity of mine – so the cancellations have been doubly disappointing. Anyway, in spite of the not-ideal conditions, it was nice, feeling like we were on a date. Walking back to the house afterward we got into the never-ending discussion we have regarding schedules, though. When we got to the front door I put myRead more …

Day 25 – Veering and Careening

I veer wildly between wanting to run away, to just give up, and wanting him so badly, loving him so fiercely, that I am willing to do anything to make it work. Veering, stumbling, I land here, on my bed, alone, a glass of whiskey in my hand. I think about it all. About him; about us; about them; about what used to be all of us. About me. About who I am, with him; and without. I am not the one perpetuating this place that we (the group we) have found ourselves in. Yes, I own that I had a part in instigating it – but I have cut myself to ribbons trying to make up for it, and I just don’t have anymore blood to bleed. I don’t know if we can move on – if I can move on – burdened by the baggage of so muchRead more …

Day 23 – It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Jun 23, 2019 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade | 3

Last night was a bust. It was all me – and yet, really, it wasn’t. I don’t even think it was really an argument. I was just so tired, so done, with everything that doesn’t work for me in this relationship. And I drank too much, and I cried and said I couldn’t do it anymore the way it is: our time restricted arbitrarily, no control or say in that; him making excuses and rationalizing. And in the morning, he acted like none of those words had been said. We went to breakfast, me confused, him forcing cheerfulness and acting like it was the end of any other date night. We talked – somewhat – at breakfast. I’m still confused by his ability to gloss over everything, as though there was no moment in which I had said, “I can’t. I can’t do this anymore.” “I heard you,” he saidRead more …