It’s been awhile since I’ve sat here thinking about writing. I’ve thought about writing a lot – I just haven’t actually sat myself down here to do it. I haven’t opened my laptop in weeks, to be honest. Guilt, anxiety, depression, illness? Who knows why not. There are a lot of reasons.
I’ve thought about writing about what living in this new reality is like – but so often I am overwhelmed by sadness and grief and a kind of stunned disbelief that I simply subside into tears or numb myself with alcohol or stupid TV or a book. Anything to stop thinking about it. To stop asking, over and over, “When will it be over? How will it end? What will life be like when it’s not like this anymore?”
I spent a good couple weeks deeply depressed. Crying daily, having to resort to anxiety meds throughout the day as well as to sleep, unable to focus or process much of anything, unable or unwilling to communicate beyond the bare minimum. Work was the only thing that got me out of bed and that kept me engaging in any way with others, but it was also a source of my despair – my organization is in a support role to hospitals, nursing homes, physicians, nurses and administrators, and I am in the role of communicating the information and support we have via our website and email, so I read and hear a lot about the world outside my door, daily, all day, at work. I had to take myself on a news hiatus recently because I just couldn’t. I couldn’t do it anymore.
Things are not as bad as they could be. I have Adam here, so I am not totally alone, and I am super grateful that we decided to “shelter together.” But it is a mixed blessing. Mostly a blessing for which I am grateful, but there are times when I am reminded, quite decidedly, of why I had chosen to live alone, or at least to not live with him. We have food and shelter and jobs, a dog that I can walk, cuddle and cry on, plenty of things to do here at the house. We’re healthy. No one we know has contracted the virus. I’m coming out of my depression – reached a place of acceptance or resignation, I guess.
But this new normal isn’t normal. I miss choosing to be alone, when I want to be, the way I want to be. I miss my house being mine. I miss being able to walk anywhere, and know that I can see any number of friends if I choose. I miss time with V, of course. Being poly during COVID totally sucks. I miss not feeling afraid when I do have to go out in the world, and my sense that the world was my oyster, that I could go anywhere and do anything. If I have been out for too long – walking, or going to the store – I feel super exposed and all I want is the safety of my home. Conversely, there are times I feel trapped by this thing. I can’t run away from it, I can’t get in my car and go away for a weekend, I can’t flee. It feels…claustrophobic at times.
But none of that is really worth coming here to write about. Or at least it doesn’t feel so. Just doing a coronavirus update doesn’t feel fun, or interesting. Who wants to hear all that? We’re all living all that, dammit.
I’ve given some thought to writing to some of the many memes there are out there. I used to enjoy that, when I was writing, and it is a good prompt for me, most times. And hey, I have oodles of alone time I could use to write now, don’t I? And I may still do that…but I have an issue right now that is stopping me: most of those memes are sexy or sexual and…well, COVID has stripped me of any feeling of sexuality or sensuality I may have had. I had a video date with V awhile ago, and while my ritual of bathing and preparing myself for him was pleasant, and actually engendered a frisson of excitement, the net result of the date itself was not as…positive…as I would have liked. Not due to anything V did or did not do, the setup was sexy and fun, but due to my own lack of…self. A lack of feeling like my sexy Jade self. And while having him near could probably propel me into that space, simply viewing each other thru a screen just didn’t do it for me. I mean, things happened. I had an orgasm, he had an orgasm, we played and teased and he dommed me, but…it left me feeling flat and even sadder that we can’t be together – for real – for weeks yet. Maybe months.
That was a couple weeks ago now, though, and, as I’ve said, I’ve kind of gotten through to the other side of my depression (mostly.) And in this new space, well, I can see that the kind of games we might play could be sexy and hot. If I can just “be in the moment,” right? And then it might be fun to write about, right?
Huh, looks like this was a COVID update after all. Oh, well.
I am hoping you all are staying safe and well out there!