I am in hour number 24 of a migraine. I feel as though my skull is splitting. My teeth ache, my ear aches, my cheekbone and the bones around my eye and my jawbone are in an exquisite agony. Light and movement cause waves of pain that throb and then stab my head.
So what am I doing, sitting here writing?
I’ve taken four rounds of painkiller. In between I have taken tylonol, tylonol PM, and/or simply tried to wait out the pain, because the migraine medicine makes my stomach hurt so much. But when I do take it, I lay here awake because of the caffeine, and because of it, in spite of being unable to get up and move about, I am antsy and bored, my brain running a hundred miles a minute. It’s an awful cycle. Reading requires too much focus (and my eyes), listening to a book requires sound that hurts, but I can sit and type here with my eyes barely open. So here I am.
I had lunch with V the other day. He had asked me to lunch – I agreed although I was confused about why he wanted to meet. It wasn’t a bad thing though. There was no begging to get back together with him; there was a lot of discussion about what had gone wrong, and why. He recognized that breaking things had had to be done – there was no fixing what we had. Whether what happened between him and I was a chain reaction, or simply an outward symptom of the deeper issues within, he and E find themselves both without partners, and have decided to turn inward, to mend and heal their own relationship and individual selves. I applaud this, while simultaneously wishing it had happened before and recognizing that without the break, it probably could not have. I have ever wished their relationship to be happy and healthy, even when in the midst of my own anger, pain and disillusionment. Good or bad, I love them both and wish them the best. Meanwhile, I am doing my own healing, or trying.
I find myself in the singularly unique position of being, for all intents and purposes, without a lover at the moment. Oh, Adam is still here, but his new work hours mean that I see him only a few hours a week. And there is M, my Canuck Top, but he is far away. I anticipate Adam and I working out some kind of better schedule once I am moved into my new place, and M and I are in contact daily, but I sleep alone every night and have not felt a man’s (or woman’s) hands on me since Toronto, and am not likely to anytime soon. And I’m okay with that. Tomorrow – or wait, it is tonight, seeing as it is 4:30AM here – there is a play party for Toy’s birthday, and I am hoping to play with her if I can defeat this migraine, but it will be my first “lifestyle” thing as a newly single (ish) person. I am not yet sure what to make of that. Will it be uncomfortable? Will it be strange? I have no idea. I do know it will stretch me, as will the next several weeks/months. I plan to be single for awhile, to do the munch circuit, to meet and talk to people as a single person. Or solo poly person, I guess I should say. I want to experience this new place I find myself in. I was terrified of it before – of being alone – but I am not, now.
I know, I know, how can I say that I am alone when I have two men in my life. But I can, and I am. It’s hard to explain, but it is the reality. And – oddly – I am excited about it.
I had another what-might-be-skin-cancer spot biopsied today. I have had no fewer than 10 spots biopsied since my early forties; most have been nothing, several have been basal cell carcinomas, one has been melanoma. I have had a lot of feelings as each one has been discovered and removed, as I’ve grown new scars, and as I’ve faced the diagnoses each time. Many times I have felt helpless against any enemy that has not yet made its true form known; I’ve felt small and afraid and a good bit of anger at my younger self for putting me into this situation. But today I simply felt…resolute. Not resigned, but accepting, recognizing the threat, but not letting it own me. I am not sure how this relates to my newly single-ish status, but I am sure it does: I am stronger for it.
Here’s a picture of the little house that I am buying. Yep, it has a crazy steep front yard! It’s also a lot smaller than my current abode, which is one reason I love it, but which also presents me with the challenge (opportunity!) to downsize, to divest myself of stuff, to discover (and decide) what I truly need in my life. And don’t. A little like my new singlehood, eh? (There, my dear Canuck man, I’ve used it in a sentence!) It also presents the opportunity to see A, my friend from Minnesota again. Not that I needed an excuse to ask her down for a visit, but she is a landscaper, and when I sent her a pic of the house, she got as excited as I am by the opportunities that expanse of yard presents. Lawns are so wasteful. Also, I do not want to have to mow it all the time. So! Tier gardening here we come! One thing that has come out of the turmoil of my relationship with V and with all the changes in my life these past two years (and since W died) is a new resilience as well as a new reliance on myself; also the joy of discovering myself as a friend to others, with the desire to nurture those friendships. I tend to lose myself in my romantic relationships. Being solo poly means not doing that, and that is feeling so much healthier to me. Breaking out of that programming is tough, but oh-so-rewarding.
Okay, I’ve written myself into drowsiness. Let’s hope when I wake I will not still be in the throes of the migraine.