I’ve started this post about half a dozen times. I’ve written and rewritten, I’ve been calm and matter-of-fact, I’ve been sad and lost, I’ve been angry and bitter, I’ve tried to convince the world (or at least that part of it that reads here) that I am justified in my reasons and I’ve simply spewed it all out, justifications be damned. And now, here I am, deciding, fuck it. I don’t want to rehash it all. It is what it is. I just want to move on.
At least that’s what I feel right this moment. The next I may want to rehash it over and over until I’m sick of listening to myself. Who knows. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions, but I guess that’s to be expected.
I broke up with V the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. For good this time. I think. I hope. There are all the many reasons I have mentioned here, and more, but in the end none of that really matters. What matters is that I have done it, and I just want to move on now. Hey, I am moving on, I am in Toronto right now!
Just kidding, I didn’t run away to Toronto because of the break-up, this trip was planned well before that. But not before I knew that things were headed that way. Things had been on a downward slide since our D/s broke – in some ways the culmination, the sundering of our relationship entirely, felt inevitable from that point on. Honestly? I think from that moment on I was only going through the motions.
Whoa. I just realized that, just recognized that as truth. I have said I write to make sense of my world – how true that is right now. (I’ve just got goosebumps.) That makes me sad, to realize that, and to know that I have been hiding it from myself, or deliberately ignoring it. How long have I been doing that? Trying to fit myself into the mold that he wanted, into a relationship that didn’t fit me? Ugh. Since the first time I thought, “I love him, but I don’t love this relationship. I love our (his and my) dynamic, but I don’t love the structure/dynamic of the poly relationship.” It didn’t fit. But I tried to force it, and myself, to do so.
I can remember feeling that, saying that, in the first year. I can remember, distinctly, an incident in which I said, “no, this is not going to work,” but convincing myself to stay because — because I didn’t want to fail. Because I was afraid it was just me being “too sensitive.” It was just me being unwilling to work things out in a new dynamic and I had to do better than that. And none of this had anything to do with his and my relationship, his and my dynamic. It was about their dynamic, and how that affected his and my relationship. I am not saying the way they communicate or resolve (or don’t resolve) conflict is wrong – but it was and is wrong for me. I should have walked away then.
But okay, I didn’t. Still, I learned a lot in the ensuing 3+ years. I made some mistakes, and I take responsibility for my part in how things fell out, but I also learned from them, and I think(?) I am a better person for it. I know I like myself better and I am in a better place in my life. I know a lot more about who I am and what I want, and I am walking a lot more confidently towards my future. So there’s that.
Still, as I said, it’s a roller coaster at times. I feel great, I feel like I made the right decision, and then I feel sad and miss him. I miss our friendship. I miss chatting to him about our days, about life, about the world. But then we text and start hashing through things again and I realize that I did make the right decision. Nothing ever changes, and the things that he can’t change, or won’t, are not things I can live with. Not things I want to live with. Just like that first time, when I recognized the situation as detrimental to my mental/emotional well-being, I recognize it now, again.
But this time I am not going to ignore those feelings.
So anyway. Here I am, in Toronto, and it’s snowing. I’ll be leaving soon on a new adventure – a week in Cuba! And spending time getting to know LJ as part of a travel group. I am excited and nervous. Lots and lots of new to absorb and respond to. I feel a sense of awakening, after my earlier realization. A sense of determination, not to “go through the motions” in my life anymore. To live with intention. To be present, in the moment, whatever that looks like.
Perhaps that will be my New Year’s resolution: to be intentional, to be present, in all that I do.