One day at a time.

No this isn’t about drinking, but love can be like an addiction, and just as hard to keep away from, even when you know it’s bad for you.

“Just get through these 8 hours without picking up the phone.” Sleep, read, try to write (or maybe, do write, and write well, since it’s Smut Marathon deadline time.) Distract oneself. Stay away from the phone. One hour, one day, at a time.

The reality is – and one reason it is ending – is because, really, there are only two days – make that two evenings – per week to make it through, when I’d normally be with him. Because, bottom line, even after all this time – 4 years! – we are still only permitted two 12 hour blocks of time per week together. And that just isn’t enough to build a full relationship on, and I am tired of fighting about it.

If only he had kept it just play partners. If he hadn’t insisted on more, that it was more, created the illusion of more, without being able to deliver the substance. But that was never possible (pro tip, kids: get everyone together, in one place, to define what each party wants in a relationship, how each party defines poly, what the parameters are.) Because what he said he wanted, what he said she was okay with, wasn’t ever the same. I’ve known it for a long time, I’ve just been willfully blind to the truth.

Because love.

Because being desired.

Because sex and kink.

Because age and fear of being alone.

But now…I just have to get through tonight without messaging him. I should be glad that even at this extreme juncture in our relationship, I don’t have to worry about him messaging or calling or – god forbid – actually showing up to try to convince me otherwise.

It’s not his sanctioned timeframe for contact with me, ‘natch.




  1. Old Mike

    “The fear of being alone” – it was a long time ago but reading this made it seem like yesterday – feel for you – can’t offer anything less trite than we do get through eventually. Stay strong. Mike

  2. Brigit Delaney

    This sounds very difficult…As I read your posts, I see myself from her situation. I’m the one designating how much and when, so any woman he sees will have to go through me. Hearing your side gives me a viewpoint I need to see in this. So even though it sucks, know that your story is helpful for others to hear. You are human, and I need to see his lovers as such.

  3. Jupiter Grant

    It really sucks to be side-lined in your own relationship, and to cope with the frustration of having limited access to your own lover. I’m really sorry, Jade. ????

  4. Pingback: Honesty & Votes #SoSS #85 - Rebel's Notes

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *