What if?

When things were a bit better, recently, this happened. It was part of the night that this and this happened, and was a lot of fun. After getting roped up and my bra on, prior to dressing, I looked down at the pretty red rope, soft gray bra, and my pokie little nipples and decided they deserved a post of their own. So now you get to enjoy them too for Boobday!

I guess I should clarify, actually, that things aren’t bad. In fact, in spite of my blog post earlier this week, they are very, very good in many ways. I mean, this happened just Monday:

“This” being me getting walloped with Viper’s belt (mmph, just saying those words in my head makes my pussy twitch a bit) while I was still holding my crochet project. No time to put it down, just him pushing me over and delivering some very sound, very needed, corporal punishment. And yeah, I’m just posting the images here (heavily filtered for fun) because…well, I like my hair in them. ;-) Gratuitous hair porn, right?

Also some other wonderful things have happened. I got some positive news about a physical ailment I have been worried about and saw a fantastic new orthopedic surgeon that gave me hope and also saved me from walking away from the medical group altogether, after an abysmal experience with another arm of their practice. I had a good interaction with my health insurance people, and talked to a physical therapist that I liked instantly over the phone. The daughter and I talked more seriously about a Grand Canyon backpacking trip now that the doc has cleared me for it, and I am in trip-planning mode once again.

Also, there’s this dog:

And this guy:

And there was a whole lot of mud and leaves and miles of trail.

Not bad for our first official hike of the year. Of my new goal, “56 in 2019.” (Fifty-six Missouri State Parks.)

So yeah, as they usually do, things are looking up. I even re-instated my weekend plans for a trip to Chicago for a “Pie Day” party this weekend, after canceling it earlier due to March, and malaise, and not feeling up to human-ing after all. But, as I pointed out to my beloved friend Ruby: I always feel better after I’ve been with friends. Always, always, always, in spite of my own misgivings and penchant to hide away. So now I’m driving up to Chi-Town Saturday morning and coming back Sunday night. A five-hour-each-way solo drive instead of the train, but…I’m up for it. Right? Crochet, pie, friends and King Spa on Sunday, what could be better?

But okay, all that doesn’t mean one of the primary reasons I got into this space I’ve been mentally/emotionally these past few weeks has magically deliciously disappeared. I’m still…pondering things.

I love Viper. I’m in love with Viper. And I love the D/s connection we have. But I have never hidden that…the structure of our relationship, for one reason and another, isn’t ideal for me, for what I want in life. In the beginning, when it was “just” a play relationship, that was okay. But things got serious quick, and moved into places that maybe everyone involved wasn’t comfortable with, and eventually, cracks appeared, and tensions became issues, and issues became a divide. Since then, things have…progressed to a place that is a million times better than it was. But nowhere near where, given my wont, things would be. Where I’d want them to be if this were to be a “permanent” thing, something bigger and deeper and … more permanent … Like I could think of it that way, not as a passing thing that if I get tired of it or fed up with it I can just shrug it off and move on. (Not that I ever really could do that, but whatever.)

So here lately, when a thing happened recently that wasn’t a Big Deal, except it was, I started thinking really hard about What It Is That We Do. And why. And if I wanted to keep doing it that way.

I have had a hard time clarifying exactly what it is I have been feeling though, until a friend of mine, Apple Alaina, posted something on Facebook that literally made me go, “Huh” at the computer.

Out loud.

It was this:

One of the pragmatic philosophies I borrowed from Captain Awkward that has helped me a lot with framing messy situations that don’t change is: “What if things continue to be this way?”


This is especially helpful when thinking about other people & things we hope might change but that we cannot make change. So many times we invest a lot of energy into the hope of our efforts bringing about change. We’ve sunk so much cost that we buy into the fallacy that it will mean our hopes and desires will come into fruition. We don’t want to walk away and ‘lose’ all the effort we’ve put in the person or job or thing on which we’re focused. But the thing is, that cost is already lost. It’s past. There’s no way to dig it up and get it back. There’s no way to make it make the future different. So, what if, despite and in-spite of all of our efforts, nothing happens? Nothing changes? We don’t get what we want? If everything we’ve done before results in things still staying exactly as they are, what do we do next?

So that is where I have been this past while. Pondering this. What if THIS is what there is. All there is. Sure, we all have hopes and dreams and feel things – not just things with V, but with Adam, and my job, and who I am and what I do and why I do it – but what if, in a year, or five years, or ten, they haven’t changed. They are right here, where I am now.

What if?

Can I be happy, can I be satisfied, can I be content?

Honestly, that’s a far bigger question than just a “is this relationship right for me” question. It’s a “is this life right for me,” question.

I am super happy to say that in all the long, circuitous, sometimes contradictory and confusing talks V and I have had about this, there hasn’t been … strife … like there may have been before. I don’t know what happened between the last time I asked something like this and now, but…I’m in a better place to ask it. And – hopefully – to answer it.

friday is boobday

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