June 18 – I Lost My Hard-On

The other evening I hinted at having to do penance for not doing one of my daily tasks. Part of that penance, when V invokes it, sometimes involves that lovely buttplug I pictured, or rather, any of my plugs (I’ve got a few.) Another part involves repeatedly edging until I finish the unfinished task. I’m not allowed to come during this time, nor, usually, afterward. It’s not an easy thing to endure: being told what to do in a very authoritarian way, being taken to task, having to accept consequences for my wrong-doing, are all hot buttons for me. So usually, by the time I am on the 4th or 5th round of grinding Baldy against my clit while I’m on my knees, trying desperately to finish the task – with the addition of a plug in my ass making me squirm – I practically have to rip the vibe from my hand to keep from coming.

This time, however, I had earned an any-way-I-want-it orgasm (one that doesn’t involve instructions from him) by keeping to my 30-day diet, so he said I could partake of it after I had completed my punishment.

I was pretty keyed up. I was going to have a HUGE orgasm!

Mistake #1

There I was, on the floor, on my knees on what has become my “contrition” blanket, my big purple vibrating plug in my ass (sadly, the vibrations do nothing for me, but the size – mmph!) It was pretty uncomfortable, but I figured that was as it should be as this was punishment. I has managed to complete my task, though due to the discomfort of the plug I was not quite as aroused as I thought I would be. In fact, I decided to remove the plug for my doing-it-my-way orgasm.

But the reality is that, even though it was uncomfortable, by the time I got to that point, my body had grown accustomed to the plug, and when I took it out…I felt kind of empty. I missed that stretched-to-the-point of discomfort feeling, even though I hadn’t liked it when it was in there.

Mistake #2

I decided to make myself more comfortable, to do it in a more natural position, getting onto my bed and laying on my back, so I could spread my legs wide (or squeeze them tight around the vibrator.)

This’ll work for sure! I thought.

Really? I should have thought this through. Penitence – performing these acts of contrition in a way that is humbling and that triggers gooey subby feelings (like being on my knees or being in my devotion pose), doing it for him or in a way that he has ordered – that’s what drives me to orgasm. It’s as much a mental/emotional space as a physical one, and one that he has (dare I say) trained me to respond to. Bring comfy on my back wasn’t really doing it for me.

But okay, in for a penny in for a pound… I decided to use some new material he had sent over for my perusal/arousal. That was…

Mistake #3

Usually, no matter how perverted or nasty the stuff he sends me, I get off on it, even if it isn’t something I usually would, or would have ever imagined I could. And sometimes even when I am determined not to! Something about him ordering me to… But this was…well, boring. I mean, I imagine it would be kind of hot for a normal person who is just beginning to explore “edgy” sex, but, for me…?

D-r-o-o-o-p went my metaphorical hard-on. I tried. Really I did. Poor Baldy. My poor clit! But I could never quite get it up again, no matter how hard I tried.


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