I had to go in for a minor medical procedure yesterday. They put me out, so I needed a ride to the hospital and back home, and then someone to stay with me till they were assured of no ill effects from the anesthesia.
Boyfriend 1: Comes over bright and early to pick me up. He changed his work schedule around so he could drive me. He sits with me while they prep me and poke me and ask me questions; he’s there when I wake up, listens to doctor’s instructions and takes me home to tuck me in for a nap afterward.
Boyfriend 2: Calls me before I leave, having re-worked his morning routine, getting himself up an hour early so he would have time to talk on the phone with me before I went to the hospital, then showed up – surprise! – while I was in recovery. The nurse, as she waits with he and I for Adam to bring the car around, says, “So I’m confused. That one is obviously your partner – is this your…brother?” “Nope, they are both my partners,” I say. A surprised smile lights up her face. “Oh!” she says, and watches while I hug and kiss both men.
Boyfriend 3: Offered to bring me ice cream after work and stay with me a while before he went on another date. “I can’t stay long, but I want to spend some time with you, and you’re not supposed to be alone anyway…” So we spent a couple hours chit-chatting on my bed and drinking (forbidden to me) frozen drinks.
The evening didn’t end perfectly, though. I had a serious talk with Boyfriend #3, trying to mitigate his expectations; and to be clear about my availability, both emotionally and physically. School is in high gear again, and most of the free time that I might have had is now being consumed by it. Viper and I have our set nights, and Adam’s nights, while not set, are fluid enough, and we are comfortable enough with each other, that I can do homework with him here. L, the new guy, is a different story. We are in the infancy of our relationship, in which we’d both like to spend whole blocks of time together (he more-so than I) but I just don’t have it to give. Or the energy to do it. The bald truth is I don’t have the time or energy for a new relationship at all, and in all fairness should not have embarked on this one. I felt pressure from multiple places to do so, though, and didn’t listen to my gut… But now I am in it, and I had to lay it on the line with him last night, because I can’t countenance leading him on. I care for him a great deal, and like him a lot, and I don’t want to lose the good things we have begun to explore with each other, but not at the cost of him feeling cheated and unsatisfied and me feeling guilty all the time, for not being enough for him, for not being able to give enough, hell, for not feeling enough.
So what next? I’m not really sure. He says he is happy with what I can give, even if it is very little. I don’t know that I believe that. I did invite him over tonight – guilt again – I should be working on my school project, but instead I will be letting him give me a massage. I know, “oh hard life!” But I know how much he has wanted to spend quality time with me, and we do need that to nurture our relationship…so. I will spend extra time tomorrow and Sunday on homework, and enjoy my time with him tonight.
I am so grateful to have all three men in my life, and happier still when all the puzzles of them and me and our schedules fit together, though, at times, I am dubious that I can make it all work.
Oh, and tomorrow night is Viper’s and my two year date-aversary. Two years! I wonder what the next two will hold?