Viper rules mostly with the carrot; occasionally with the stick. I need them both.
We were texting back and forth yesterday. I have a standing rule, I am to ask for permission before I do a particular thing.
Okay, I’ll stop being coy, it’s peeing. I have to ask for permission before I pee. I don’t know why it embarrasses me to admit, but it does. But I love that he has and wants that kind of control over even such a mundane activity. Anyway, the rule has been, ask in text (or Slack, or FB messenger) and wait 15 minutes. If he has not replied back with the affirmative by 15 minutes, I am free to go. But with my semi-disability while I recuperate from surgery, he has given me dispensation to go when I have to even if he doesn’t reply back, or even if I don’t ask first, as long as I send a “thank you” text after. Which is fair and I am glad that he thinks things through and doesn’t just say, “I am the Dom and you will obey!” without thought given to real life situations.
I am me. And the me I am is sometimes…well…sometimes I’ll take advantage of a thing, if it’s convenient. I know, I know…bad submissive. But I’m also a human submissive, and as such, imperfect. Whatever. I tend to act up or brat a bit when I am feeling…disconnected. In this instance, however, I wasn’t actively bratting, though I did realize that occasionally I was maybe kinda pushing the envelope on the “thank you” thing a bit because, well, I could. Maybe I didn’t absolutely have to go pee right that minute, and maybe I could have waited…
The damn thing is, he expects me to act like an adult and act in the way he expects…being truthful and only using the dispensation when it was absolutely necessary, as I should. I know his expectations very well. So I know this is bad behavior, even as I’m doing it. So I was feeling kinda guilty. Especially when he commented, “You’re going to miss this ability when you have it taken away next month.”
Oh my god, the guilt. I texted back hesitantly…”My sense of right and wrong makes me feel like you should be keeping a tally to make me pay later. You know, to keep me honest,” I replied. I really was feeling guilty.
“I made the rule and as long as you stick to it, you’ll be okay,” he said. “Though your masochism is duly noted.” Ack! He was going to be nice – and expected me to be doing what I was supposed to be doing!
He was going to let me get away with it.
That’s the thing though…it isn’t masochism. It is a genuine need to be held accountable. When I break a rule, when I push the boundaries of a rule, when I don’t follow orders or do something wrong or behave badly, I need to be held accountable. I need to know that he notices the wrong-doing, and I need to atone for it.
This need is something I had never felt in my previous relationships. I never really had rules in my previous BDSM relationships! But it’s vitally important for me to know he knows, and to pay for my wrong-doing.
He does punish me, and I have “standing” punishments for certain, common transgressions. But sometimes…I want an honest-to-god accounting and a corporal punishment scene.
The damn thing is I hate CP. Loathe it, dread it, because it hurts. And it’s not the feel-good-sexy-hurt. But at the end, I do feel good. In a totally different way than wanting to get fucked or have an orgasm; or in the drifty subspace high of a good pain scene. Yes, endorphins do kick in, and I may be a little spacey at the end, but really, it’s an entirely different animal. It’s relief at atoning for my bad behavior, for my failings, and having a clean slate when it’s over.
But now I’m stuck with the guilt. Even worse, knowing he expects me to behave and obviously hasn’t even considered that I might not – he believes I’m behaving! – makes it worse. It makes me want to behave better.
Where’s that stick when I need it?