I joined – or rejoined – the ranks of adults returning to school tonight. For the first time ever I am enrolled in a university, as opposed to a community college. That’s right, I’m in with the big kids now, starting on the road to a bachelor’s degree.
We’ll see how far down this road I get.
Sometimes I am excited – I love to learn new shit! And it’s shit I want to learn (mostly.) And it is the start of (hopefully, maybe) a new career path.
Sometimes I am terrified – WTF am I doing this for at my age?? Who do I think I’m kidding? I’m not smart enough or young enough for this.
Mostly I am…resigned is not quite the word (too defeated)…but something close to it…to this course of action. I do not want to work my current job forever. I need to learn new skills, get more education. So here I am. I just need a schoolgirl uniform now! Please? I’ll post naughty pics of myself in it if some generous benefactor bestows one upon me. ;-) (Which reminds me of the 3 schoolgirl skirts, blouses and ties I had at W’s when his family got rid of all my things. Funny thing was – he never let me wear them, except once, for a date with a Brit that loved to play school master. He abhorred the schoolgirl look. And now all I want is to fulfill a schoolgirl/Master fantasy…)
Anyway, usher in this new chapter! Let’s see where it takes me!
Life is still a struggle in other ways though. Depression/anxiety have dogged me lately, though I believe I made a good change recently by stopping a medication that can contribute to these feelings. Of course it’s also a medication that (supposedly – I’m not sure it really did) helps with the nerve pain flare-ups (starbursts, I call them) that I continue to experience since my disc ruptured. A cortisone shot has seemed to help more than the medication did, though, so I am not too concerned about being off the drugs. Already I feel lighter and less like my world is shit shit shit and why the fuck am I still here? Because that’s not a good place for my head to be.
So that’s gotta count for something.
Unfortunately, other physical challenges have presented themselves to me in the form of my other not-so-good disc, and now the docs are taking a look at that, because of pain in my other leg. Soon all my kink will be relegated solely to my and V’s imagination…
Not so, not so. There’s still a lot of jump & jive, a lot of bump & grind, a lot of whips and chains left in me. Just maybe not right this minute.
My emotional state has caused more than a few bumps (not of the grinding variety) along the way in my relationship with V, as well. I’ve started to write many times about these ups and downs, but then saved them as private: it is too private, too painful, because I know so much of it stems from inside of me, and not without. Yes, there are challenges to being single(ish) and being the submissive of a man who is devoted to his family…there are times when I just want to be needy and to come first…but that’s not the path I’ve chosen, and it is certainly not negative commentary on him. The other issues – those that involve learning to communicate effectively, the ever-present issues with scheduling, the simple learning of each other – those we are navigating and working through, together. And (dare I say it?) well. And I certainly expect that my return to normal brain chemistry will facilitate that.
One of the things I discussed with my counselor is a return to feeling positive about life in general. There are times when I am so overwhelmed with negative feelings that even when I’m doing something pleasurable, I can’t enjoy it. Negativity is the happiness-eater, let me tell you. Yes, a thing can happen that annoys or saddens me, but in the past I have been able to let it go and be in the moment. I have to learn again to let those negative feelings go and see the joy right in front of me. To allow myself to feel good, to feel happy.
Perhaps this lingers from the time after W died, like dragging around —
Oh fuck, I was about to say a corpse.
But. Damn. It’s like that. Every time I look forward and see a rainbow up ahead, the drag on this rope around my heart reminds me of the sadness, and I feel shame for feeling happy.
Or maybe I’ve just gotten bitter and negative in my old age.
I really don’t want to be that person anymore.
To that end, I am trying to find joy in small things again. I used to call them “daily gratitudes” and I am trying to refocus my thoughts on them. Sometimes, in this past year, it’s been hard to feel that: gratitude. Even when I have so many, many things to be thankful for. Intellectually I know it’s wrong, but in my heart…I still feel guilt for being happy again. I’ve been practicing semi-daily (though brief) meditation again. And I want to try and chronicle the good things here, rather than the disappointments, frustrations and sadnesses. I used to feel I was being inauthentic if I didn’t chronicle every. single. thing. Good or bad. Because I think it is important to show that poly and kink relationships are just like any other: there are good times and there are not-so-good times. But for my own mental health, and in an effort to focus on and remember and rediscover the good – to find gratitude in my life – I need to just leave the negative on a page in my personal folder, or drag it out when I’m in session with my counselor, but not bring it here, at least for awhile. Here I want to be happy again. Joyful. Filled with anticipation and gratitude for a full, wonderful, life.
I want to remind myself how to be happy.
(Editor’s Notes, after class tonight.)
This is me, being a student again (NO, I’m not wearing a short plaid skirt!)
This is me, being excited about life again. (I know, I don’t look too excited there. But I was! I am!) I can get through this…this pain and physical shit and WHATEVER. I am woman, hear me roar!
A few quick notes taken while I was in class:
- Instructor: “I hope you all love algebra word problems, because that’s what programming is.”
Me: Ummm…I think I’m in the wrong class…
- Oh shit, my paper calendar/assignment book only goes to August?? WTF is that about?? Mr. Bossy BossMan is gonna be stern when I tell him I couldn’t put all my important school/assignment dates in my calendar…
- Who woulda thunk I could stay awake for a whole HOUR of history? But this is the only history I’ve ever been interested in. Hanging on every word! The history of computing. Fascinating stuff, truly. God those Xerox folks must be kicking themselves in the ass. ISn’t there a movie or two about this?
- Huh. The earth isn’t round.
- This stuff is like…the man behind the curtain! The hidden world behind HTML and CSS. I think…I think I’m in heaven.
- I LOVE THIS SHIT!
And that, as they say, is all, folks!