Before & After

There will always be a “before” and an “after” now.

Before: our whole new lives were ahead of us.

The house.

Sunrises in the guest room.

Projects. Painting. Talking, laughing, sharing.

Learning about living together.

Building a life together.

Now there is only “After.”

After the illness. After the stroke.

Unknowns.

Fear. Pain. Sadness.

Hope?

I don’t know.

Well, yes, I do…there IS hope. I just don’t know what to hope for. I am afraid to hope for too much. I am afraid to hope for anything but that he doesn’t bleed in his brain due to the blood thinners. I fear that I if I hope for anything beyond that, it will be too much, and I will jinx it. Jinx his recovery. That I will go into his room today and find a setback, or worse.

Another stroke.

I live in fear of that every day. Every moment.

Every moment since this has happened I have lived in fear.

Is that all there is to After now?

God I hope not.

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