There will always be a “before” and an “after” now.
Before: our whole new lives were ahead of us.
Sunrises in the guest room.
Projects. Painting. Talking, laughing, sharing.
Learning about living together.
Building a life together.
Now there is only “After.”
After the illness. After the stroke.
Fear. Pain. Sadness.
I don’t know.
Well, yes, I do…there IS hope. I just don’t know what to hope for. I am afraid to hope for too much. I am afraid to hope for anything but that he doesn’t bleed in his brain due to the blood thinners. I fear that I if I hope for anything beyond that, it will be too much, and I will jinx it. Jinx his recovery. That I will go into his room today and find a setback, or worse.
I live in fear of that every day. Every moment.
Every moment since this has happened I have lived in fear.
Is that all there is to After now?
God I hope not.